I have a website that I have been considering shutting down. It is one of my websites with the least amount of traffic. So I am contemplating what I might say on the site in order to break the news to the few who actually go there. It is a local site that covers the local Northern New Jersey entertainment scene and so forth. So the filthy foul mouthed rant regarding that would go something like this:
Sorry, but this site will no longer be updated. Why? Oh, I don't fucking know. Maybe because none of you assholes that come here click on any ads or purchase any merchandise I have up for sale. What the fuck! Do you think I do this just for shits and giggles? How the fuck am I supposed to make any money doing this shit? Sure, I should waste my time updating a site just to make no fucking money doing it! Yeah, fuck you too!
Oh, so you come here to see what establishments have an open mic. Well guess what, douche bags, open mics are a fucking waste of time anymore. That's right, they sure are. And you want to know why I say that? Well first of all, fuckfaces, nobody wants to hire live bands anymore. A lot of places that do only have open mics for live music. Why? Because the cheap fuckers don't want to pay for live bands and they know that idiots like you will go to an open mic, piss your money away on $5 beers just to get to play three songs that are mixed like shit. But maybe it's just as well you only get three songs, since they mix you like shit any-fucking-way.
But, on a more serious note, there are other reasons that open mics are a waste of your time. One is the fact that many of you suck. Sorry to have to tell you something your parents should have told you, but some of you outright fucking suck! You have no talent. You get all proud of yourselves for writing a three chord song with sentimental lyrics we are all supposed be touched by. Oh yeah, I'm fucking inspired, I am.
Then some say it's a great thing that this wonderful community of musicians get together to encourage one another. Yeah, Kumbaya and fuck you too! Nobody gives a rat's ass about your three chord, stinking turd of a song. They just want to get up there and play. Then half of the assholes leave right after they get off the stage. They don't even stick around to listen to anyone else. It's their little way of saying "Fuck you! I got to play, why should I stick around to listen to your shitty music?"
Maybe you come to the website to see what establishments have karaoke. Yeah, well, once again, fuck you too! A lot of places went to karaoke because they don't want to hire bands. Just so you drunken stupid fucks can go up and butcher a song, sound like shit, but, because you are bombed off your ass, you still think you sound great. Sorry, but you don't.
I also had job listings too. Some of you needed that. After all, you really need to keep your day jobs since you ain't going to make it in the music business. You are a dreamer. Grow the fuck up, stop smoking dope every day, cut your hair and get a fucking job.
I also had wonderful articles on the site about New Jersey, for those interested in some of the things going on in New Jersey. Fuck New Jersey and that fat bastard of a governor Chris Crispy Kreme.
Well, how'a that for my first rant? I think it went rather well, don't you? No? Well fuck you too!
